God's Holy Trousers

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You’d Be Safer At the Back (2021)

Mountjoy’s great aunt Sophia once danced a drunken Christmas Eve tango under the twinkling stars with Che Guevara on the roof of Havana’s Barcardi Building. Which is undeniably cool. That she slipped on one of Guevara’s spent cigars and plummeted to her untimely death, crushing eleven hapless Cubans in a crowd of revellers below, is arguably less so. Ho hum.

2. Electro (2m 54s)

Electro is the name of a miniscule planet, umpteen billion light years away, that is beyond the ken of all but the keenest astronomer. Mountjoy and Morrid were invited there once for afternoon tea by Electro’s emperor, a raving fan of the Trousers’ poppy fusion, but had to cancel at the eleventh hour owing to a beastly case of the grippe and a near-fatal paper cut.

3. Polyglot (3m 25s)

Mountjoy, Morrid and The Moksha Man are the last known speakers of Low Trouserish, an esoteric tongue that neither forms part of any broader linguistic family nor uses vowels and consonants. Instead, meaning, if indeed there is any at all, is conveyed by spitting small pebbles onto an out-of-focus daguerreotype of the Eiffel Tour, while grunting in obscure time signatures.

4. Mu Fanchu (3m 32s)

It is a little known fact that Sax Rohmer’s fictional villain Dr Fu Manchu was based on a real-life blackguard, an evil 19th century miscreant feared throughout the Far East for subjecting his victims to overexposure to mu major chords. These he would serve up on elaborate uchiwa and force feed to his terrified prey. This track aims, with some success we feel, to capture that dread.

5. Rosie (2m 58s)

This track is named after a cup of tea, one brewed strong as oxtail soup for the delectation of an amply bottom-clefted navvy, such as Morrid’s cousin Tarquin.

6. Devil's Advocate (3m 17s)

Although today it has a broader use, historically a devil’s advocate was a person appointed by the Roman Catholic Church to challenge a proposed beatification or canonisation, or the verification of a miracle. Whilst never being put forward for a sainthood, Mountjoy has been known to perform several miracles. Only last week, during a game of Finnish Three-Man billiards, he pulled off a frankly outrageous four-ball cannon that Morrid swears defied the law of physics.

7. Hero of Switzerland (3m 43s)

Despite what you might think, this track does not refer to William Tell, the Swiss eejit who shot an apple from his son’s tender bonce with an arrow. Instead, it is a paean to a dingy public house situated in the Lugga Barugga Junction area of South London, a neighbourhood not known in particular for a wealth of either heroes or natives of Helvetica.

8. What Was It Doing Under the Bed? (3m 10s)

Why was it in the house even? Such activity is unhygienic, unseemly and almost certainly in contravention of too many laws to mention. That being said, it is gratifying to know that the item in question is now in safe, if somewhat grubby, hands.

9. Ziggurat (4m 13s)

One of the earliest known ziggurats, a type of massive structure built in ancient Mesopotamia, was constructed by King Ur-Ammu in the early Bronze Age. Its purpose was not, as originally hypothesised, that of a shrine, but rather a store for the king’s vast collection of proto-guitars. Furthermore, recent evidence sheds light on the Trousers’ theory that it was Ur-Ammu, and not sadly deceased axe-maestro Edward Van Halen, who was the driving force behind the technique of two-handed tapping.

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